Hashtag Rehab

Another snarky gay discussing celebrity.

April Fool’s Day – Lindsay LOLhan

Holy shit it has been QUITE a while since I have posted on here.  And so much has happened in the ridiculous world of celebrity, but once again I have to just do a quick round-up of my muse, Lindsay Lohan.

Now, as most of you know, Lindsay recently agreed to a plea deal for violating her probation in which she has to spend ninety days in lockdown rehab.  Well, actually it’s ninety days IN JAIL, but Lilo’s defense attorney, Mark Heller convinced prosecutors to agree to allow Lindsay serve the time in a “lockdown rehab.”

There’s just one teeny problem…there’s no such thing as lockdown-fucking-rehab.  Not a thing.  People in California are fucking dumb.  Remind me that the next time I decide to get a DUI after stealing a bunch of shit from a movie set to make sure that I do it California.  I feel like in order to pass the bar in California, you just have to like, write a pilot script for a Law & Order spinoff and they’re like, “oh shit–he’s as good an attorney as Reese Witherspoon was in that movie where she goes to Harvard,” which would be completely accurate.

In addition to lockdown rehab not being a thing, Lindsay is refusing to even set foot inside the white, padded walls without her precious, delicious Adderall.  Because that’s what everyone in rehab needs.  Pharmaceutical crack.  Lindsay, you don’t go to an Ivy League school, so… you don’t get to just bring that shit with you everywhere you go.  Alright, babe?

But, here’s the GEM of the day.  I woke up to my Twitter feed blowing up because of this:

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Now I’ll never be a teen model!

Now, obviously this is Lindsay’s terrible attempt at April Fool’s humor.  The only problem is that she posted it eight hours ago, PST, so that means that she posted it at like…11:30pm.  WHO THE FUCK PLAYS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE THAT LATE AT NIGHT ON APRIL FIRST?!  And then she just went to bed.  No “LOL.”  No “APRIL FOOL’S!”  Nothing, just radio-fucking-silence.

The real April Fool’s joke is all of the backlash she’s getting from people (like me) who clearly follow her just to watch someone fuck her life up more than they fuck up their own.  My favorite reply tweet was:

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That was a read.

Now THAT is how you bring the LOLZ!

But, it just looks like Lindsay has learned what white bitches from small town New Hampshire (aka, all of my best friends) have known for years: you don’t fucking joke about being pregnant.  People will believe you.

I’d like to see that bitch try to get a drink now.

PARIS HILTON WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE

Get low: Paris Hilton ended upon the stage floor as she celebrated her 32nd birthday on Saturday night

“He has an account?  Let’s get stuff.”

OMG OMG OMG OMG Okay so… we can all agree that The Simple Life was absolute comedy gold, right?  If not, then don’t read my blog.

Praise Gaga, because heiress-turned-singer-turned-DJ-turned-perfumist-turned-cheetah PARIS HILTON celebrated her 32nd (that’s right… THIRTY-SECOND) birthday and was a complete and utter MESS.

We shall from here on rename President’s Day “Paris Appreciation Day” because she horse-stomped her way back into our little gay lives.

Look at her.  She’s not only the happiest cheetah in the world, but she has a wonderful audience composed of freshly botoxed Asian/Hispanic women.  

So bitch fell down while partying with her TWENTY-ONE year old model boyfriend.  God I love it.  I just wish Nicole Richie had been there too.  The only way to ring in your 32nd birthday is with SANASSAAAAAAAAA SANASSAAAAAAAA!

Will Smith: Gettin Jiggy Wit It… Anally

Never one to dodge a gay rumor, Will Smith has decided to live it up in Rio de Janeiro with a male companion.

TMZ had this photograph of Will and his obviously heterosexual friend snapping pics for their Scruff profiles from their balcony awkwardly positioned above Kim and Kanye:

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Pay no attention to the paparazzi.

I mean, damn.  Will Smith is not even trying anymore.  He’s definitely started pulling a Lance Armstrong and giving up the fight.  

But Will Smith is a scientologist (left unintentionally lowercase) and if there’s one “religion” that’s gay, its definitely Buddhism, but after that its definitely scientology.

I’ve been reading that book Going Clear and the whole recruitment process seems to be exactly what I thought it would be–a mixture of The Master and this:

That’s all I got.  The University of Pennsylvania has officially stolen my life and that is why the post is so short.  But, I do continue to write weekly at iWIDK.com so maybe you guys will check me out there.  

 

Oh, For Fuck’s Sake, Lindsay Lohan!

Alright guys, its been a while, so I figured I should probably return to what I do best, which is obviously talk mad shit about Lindsay Lohan.

Bitch turned down $550,000 to do Dancing With The Stars because she is too good for reality television, and wants to continue doing film.  Because that’s definitely a lucrative career for her right now and she absolutely doesn’t owe the federal government hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes, nor will she have massive court debts and lawyer fees after this whole “i-violated-my-probation-and-punched-a-gypsy-please-don’t-lock-me-up” daytime talk show MALARKEY has played out.

Pas de bourree? More like pas de bourr–I’m AN IDIOT.

But you know, she’s right, Lindsay Lohan definitely is just too high up in the celebrity ranks to join the peons like Kelly Osbourne, Marie Osmond, and Nicole Scherzinger–you know, celebrities with jobs–because at this point, its like if Lindsay isn’t taking her clothes off she isn’t interested in the paycheck.  Probably because she just associates nudity with getting her hookup of aerosol cans to huff.  Take off your clothes and get a fix.  If they changed the name of the show to Handjobbing With The Stars or Teabagging With The Stars or Labia-Flapping With The Stars, Lindsay would be right at home.

Side note: Did you see the trailer for The Canyons?  Lindsay gets out-acted by a porn star. 

photo of lindsay lohan gun shooting herself suicide pictures

Hey guys, this is my defense strategy!

Speaking of being completely ignorant–hey Lindsay, your attorney got you a sweet deal where you weren’t going to have to go to jail for potentially upward of two years if you just pled guilty to the charges of violating your probation.  I mean, yeah you’d have to go get some Hashtag Rehab for six months, but its definitely not as bad as hanging out in a correctional facility again.  I mean, unless that’s your thing… you and Sam Ronson did have a pretty tumultuous relationship…

And stop firing your poor attorney!  Shawn Holley is the only person who is trying to do you a solid and help you out.  If she hadn’t gone to court for you after you fired her the night before, you wouldn’t have had anyone there to represent you.  A bench warrant would have been issued for your arrest, and your dyed weave would be locked the fuck up, girl.  Pull a Charlie Sheen and buy your co-star a Corvette, because you totally fucked her for no reason.

And on that note, enjoy this:

I listened to the whole thing twice this morning.  Someone help.

Anne Hathaway: Why Are You So Self-Deprecating?

So what the fuck, Anne Hathaway?  I really want to like you, babe, but you are always just so surprised that people are giving you credit for a pretty solid performance.

Since when have you been so weird and awkward?  What the hell happened to the lady/babe who was singing with Hugh Jackman?  Why did you lose all of your self confidence?

Shitting her pants.

Even when you make appearances on The Daily Show you come across like you don’t understand why you’re there, while at the same time speaking of your time working on Les Miserables as the most profound, life-changing experience you’ve had as an actor.  The stories you tell aren’t funny or charming, babe, they are just off putting and strange.

I just… don’t get it babe.

Babe, why do you act like we’re doing you a favor by watching your career unfold?  Is it because you flashed your vagina at us, babe?  Babe, is that it?

Baaaaaaaabe.  It makes me think that maybe you didn’t really do a good job, babe.  And its just propaganda being shoved down our throats persuading us to think it was good.  Is that what happened, babe?  Is that what’s happening, babe?  Babe?  

But you’re right, Sally Field is the shit.  Preach, babe.

People That Matter: Stacey Dash

Everyone in the world is talking about Azealia Banks calling Perez Hilton a messy faggot (he is), or Justin Bieber smoking a blunt (pass that shit)–but not THIS guy.  I’m talking about People That Matter today.  And today, the Person That Matters the most is obviously Stacey Dash.

This is her official website: Stacey Dash Online.  It is very well put together and professional.  It includes a resume that was last updated in 2007, some mall-photographer quality pictures, and a fake link to Letters of Marque.  I Googled ‘Letters of Marque’ and found what I can only hope to be Stacey’s secret project:  PIRATE CHRISTIANITY.  Because what’s cooler than being a Christian other than most things?  Being a Christian PIRATE.  Walk the plank, bitches!

So here’s a couple things you need to know about Stacey Dash:  She played Dionne opposite Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, arguably one of the best comedies to come out in the 90′s, and one that gays continue to debate as ‘the original Mean Girls‘ for decades to come.

She posed for Playboy at 40 years old.  And she looked pretty good, considering there was a whole bunch of vagina.

And most recently, Stacey came out as a supporter of Mitt Romney.  Why would a black woman support Mitt Romney, you ask?  NO ONE KNOWS.  I’m guessing deep rooted self deprecation.  And not even in the cute way that manifests in an eating disorder or drug addiction (read: Ali Lohan).

So what’s Stacey up to now?  She’s going to be in a straight-to-DVD movie with FAMOUS ACTOR The Game called House Arrest.  Now, this movie was actually made in 2010, but they ran out of money and it got shelved.  Something similar to this happened with The Cabin In The Woods, but I’m fairly certain that Joss Whedon didn’t write House Arrest.

The director, Billy Washington, describes the movie as a “dramedy…High maintenance girl meets quick money scheming man. Up the road and down the hill they go like Jack and Jill facing drama, after drama after drama.”  Yup, sounds just like Jack and Jill to me.  Those bitches are always crying about breaking their crowns and shit.  Pussies.

BASICALLY House Arrest looks absolutely amazing.  When I read the title, I thought it was going to be something along the lines of House Party, but it really is not.  It basically tells the story of Lindsay Lohan.  But with an all black cast.  And a sassy gay friend tagged on at the very end.

So there you have it.  People That Matter: Stacey Dash.

The Train Wreck No One Talks About: Ali Lohan

What the fuck ever happened to Ali Lohan?  I know most of you are thinking, “John, who cares about Ali when there’s a huge hot mess named Lindsay to mock constantly?” and I’m typically right there with you.  Who really gives a shit about Ali Lohan?

Thus, her dilemma.

So, I’m going to give the lesser known Lohan her time to shine, with a post completely devoted to what her poor life choices are.  Basically, what I’m asking is–if Ali Lohan overdoses on heroin while Lindsay is still making a fool of herself, is anyone going to notice?

I will, Ali.  I will.

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Exhibit A: What the fuck is she wearing?

 

So this telling photograph I lifted right out of the Lohan Family Christmas card.  Its sort of like the Kardashian Christmas card except they can’t afford Photoshop.  Here’s the full photo:

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Every other Lohan, even Nana, looks like they are about six or seven drinks in.  This is typical of the Lohans.  But Ali, pulling a Victoria Beckham “I’m so hungry I forgot where I am” pose, looks like she’s been pumping heroin into her veins for about two months straight: sunken eyes, tensed hands to stop her from shaking (you can see her pressing into her thigh for support), and what she thinks is probably a smile to hide her junkie teeth.

Ali, Ali, Ali whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?  What happened to Lohan Holiday, your epic Christmas album that was supposed to launch you into stardom?  

Let’s also focus on this blind item posted on Dlisted:

This celebrity is C- list but probably has A list name recognition. She has not seen sunlight in over a month. She is struggling to stay sober. She has a huge heroin problem and at one point was trading sex for heroin. Her family chipped in to get her a boob job because they thought who would help her modeling career. So far though they have received nothing on their investment except that she did pose for a staggering number of nude photos in a country where she was legal to pose naked.

Ali, we know that was you.  Stop trying to hide behind that dye job!  And where are those photos?  You couldn’t get into Playboy with your sister because while Lindsay is falling apart, its by way of ACCEPTABLE forms of intoxication: booze, pills, and white powder.  Not heroin, babe.  Heroin is not cool.  Heroin hasn’t been cool since the grunge era, babe, and you don’t live in Seattle.  Even Courtney Love stopped doing heroin babe.  Get your shit together.

Aliana Taylor Lohan: A plastic surgeon’s vision of a botched Elizabeth Hurley.

When big sister and wonderful role model Lindsay punched that psychic at the club in NYC, the alleged money that was in her purse was for you, Ali.  What the hell do you need $16000 for?  It sure as hell isn’t going toward tuition.

So Ali, here’s my advice to you.  You can either start doing cocaine and make a sex tape with your sister and Max George or you can stop doing heroin and go to college.  You aren’t going to ever match your sister’s success, so you might as well stop trying.  You aren’t Elle Fanning babe.  You aren’t Elizabeth Olsen.  And you definitely aren’t Dannii Minogue, so stick with your natural hair color.  You need to drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, take a deep breath, and assess your situation.

And to those of you intrigued by my mention of Lohan Holiday, here’s what you can expect from it:

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