Holy shit it has been QUITE a while since I have posted on here. And so much has happened in the ridiculous world of celebrity, but once again I have to just do a quick round-up of my muse, Lindsay Lohan.
Now, as most of you know, Lindsay recently agreed to a plea deal for violating her probation in which she has to spend ninety days in lockdown rehab. Well, actually it’s ninety days IN JAIL, but Lilo’s defense attorney, Mark Heller convinced prosecutors to agree to allow Lindsay serve the time in a “lockdown rehab.”
There’s just one teeny problem…there’s no such thing as lockdown-fucking-rehab. Not a thing. People in California are fucking dumb. Remind me that the next time I decide to get a DUI after stealing a bunch of shit from a movie set to make sure that I do it California. I feel like in order to pass the bar in California, you just have to like, write a pilot script for a Law & Order spinoff and they’re like, “oh shit–he’s as good an attorney as Reese Witherspoon was in that movie where she goes to Harvard,” which would be completely accurate.
In addition to lockdown rehab not being a thing, Lindsay is refusing to even set foot inside the white, padded walls without her precious, delicious Adderall. Because that’s what everyone in rehab needs. Pharmaceutical crack. Lindsay, you don’t go to an Ivy League school, so… you don’t get to just bring that shit with you everywhere you go. Alright, babe?
But, here’s the GEM of the day. I woke up to my Twitter feed blowing up because of this:
Now, obviously this is Lindsay’s terrible attempt at April Fool’s humor. The only problem is that she posted it eight hours ago, PST, so that means that she posted it at like…11:30pm. WHO THE FUCK PLAYS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE THAT LATE AT NIGHT ON APRIL FIRST?! And then she just went to bed. No “LOL.” No “APRIL FOOL’S!” Nothing, just radio-fucking-silence.
The real April Fool’s joke is all of the backlash she’s getting from people (like me) who clearly follow her just to watch someone fuck her life up more than they fuck up their own. My favorite reply tweet was:
Now THAT is how you bring the LOLZ!
But, it just looks like Lindsay has learned what white bitches from small town New Hampshire (aka, all of my best friends) have known for years: you don’t fucking joke about being pregnant. People will believe you.
I’d like to see that bitch try to get a drink now.